Two Things

Two things of note, both of which amount to this: What the hell is wrong with us?

1. Starbucks has really awful coffee. What the hell is wrong with you people?

Seriously. I’ve never had a good cup of coffee (or a good tall of coffee, or grande of coffee, or venti of coffee, or whatever the hell they want to call it) at a Starbucks. Never. It always tastes a little burnt, and it’s always too goddamned hot even to hold the cup, even with one of those little wraps designed to make hot coffee cups holdable. I can only imagine that it’s their mixed drinks that people are after…but if the fundamentals of the mixed coffee drink are not sound, how in the hell can the mixed drink even taste good, except by masking the goddamned coffee? So why not just chug a Mountain Dew or whatever? Go ahead and warm it up and add some cream if you need to.

And yet—AND YET—this morning, driving home from the airport, there’s some backed up traffic at Broadway and Campbell. “Hm,” I think to myself. “Must be an accident.” Yeah, well, it kind of was an accident. An accident of marketing. These people are backed up waiting to get into the Starbucks parking lot! And it looks like it’s two goddamned lines in, merging into one! What the fuck is wrong with you people? Seriously, if it’s 7:30 in the morning and I want coffee, I’ll be fucked if I’m gonna wait in line. I’m getting coffee at 7:30 in the morning because I need a fucking cup of coffee right now!

7-11 never has a line. Circle K never has a line. And it tastes better. And there are more of them than there are of Starbucks. They surround them.

Also, punch line: The very same intersection has a Safeway kitty-corner across the way, at the southeast corner. That Safeway? Yep, it has a Starbucks in it. Lewis Black wasn’t kidding. You can, even today, walk out of a Starbucks and see another Starbucks.

I’m enjoying a delicious cup of Diedrich French roast right now. It’s tasty. I had to wait a whole 40 seconds for it to brew in my Keurig. In a few minutes, I’m gonna grab a delicious cup of Timothy’s cinnamon flavored coffee. Suck on that, you chumps waiting in line at Starbucks.

2. Check out the grocery store pop (“soda”) aisle. What the hell is wrong with us?

I was at that Safeway (not getting coffee, thank you very much) and ventured into the pop aisle. “Soda” for you heathens not from MN. You know what I saw?

I saw an entire aisle with pop on one side and snack chips on the other.

Repeat: The whole goddamned aisle was pop on one side and snack chips on the other.

Please consider that for a moment. Where do I even begin? Well, aside from the obvious two-word declaration: We’re fucked.

(The crackers, popcorn, and mixed nuts were in an entirely different aisle, by the way.)

3. Bonus Thing of Note

Grocery store salsa is pretty damned good. And in great variety.

If only I could find some chips to go with it…